I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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