I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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