if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
