she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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