This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
