i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
