I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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