I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
