Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
