best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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