you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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