if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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