But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
