she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
