What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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