How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
no more duck duck goose at the bar
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
