I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
