Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
