youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
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Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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