Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
