Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
