Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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