i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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