Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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