Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
