It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
