is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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