My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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