We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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