Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
