Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
