"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
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during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
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It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?