Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Randomize
