He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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