grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just cropdusted the office
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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