I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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