literally had 100 drinks last night.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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