Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Michael Bay diarrhea
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
