JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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