i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
