We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
