There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
