I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
