So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
