On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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