I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
