I wanna bring you to show and tell
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
