a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Randomize
