Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
