I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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