This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
