well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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