what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
