Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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