There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.