The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
