I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
