He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
