omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
