I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
is wine microwaveable?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
