If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
