Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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